You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
