Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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