Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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