that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
