I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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