my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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