JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
