My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
