How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
