I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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