worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
