i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
then he tried to convert me to islam
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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