Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
