This dress was meant to end up on your floor
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
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Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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