I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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