woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
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