life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
