I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize