I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
