that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
