you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
