for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize