Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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