dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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