I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
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Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
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Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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