I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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