Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
