Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
