Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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