So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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