i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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