How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
