Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Boobs speak an international language.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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