Pants 0. Shit 1.
Is it because I queefed?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
