I like my sex mixed with concussions.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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