And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
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Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
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It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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