So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
All the doctor said was why
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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