The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
