He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
