Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
