I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
