I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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