Don't you send me to vm
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
