I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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