y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
