**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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