New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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