Im at strip club and am horny
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
