So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
