there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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