I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
