I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
