I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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