textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
