You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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