Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
