1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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