I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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