Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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