I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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